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This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast
of Newfoundland

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North
to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE
YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Znate li sta znaci skracenica NASA?

NASA - Need Another Seven Astronauts

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't
decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go
to the Jewelry Department. where he gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife
is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not
care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it
then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot
even believe what is going on.

She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this
stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is
about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a man."

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine."
said the pirate. "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea, and a cannon ball hit
me leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? What about
that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Well, we were in
another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me
hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great,
really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time
you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds
were flying over the ship.

I looked up and one of them dumped a turd in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just
from some bird droppings!" The pirate said, "It was me first day with the
hook."

>>> Here's a Riddle for you:
>>>
>>> Schwartzenegger has a big one;
>>> Michael J. Fox has a small one;
>>> Madonna doesn't have one;
>>> The Pope has one but doesnt use it;
>>> Clinton uses his all the time!
>>>
>>> What is it?
>>>
>>> ?
>>> ?
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>>>
>>> A last name ....... Were you thinking of something else?

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can
travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one
by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds --
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.

PRISON VS BEING A HOUSEWIFE

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day
and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard
to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can
mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over
it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can't sleep without his
latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home you get to listen to your children fight
over the remote control and get treated to hours
and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and
attend college for free.

At home you get to read weekly readers starring
Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send
Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next
twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.

At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and
fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the
doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a
room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are
ready or your time is up.

At home you get to clean for days in advance and
then cook and clean up after your guests and hope
that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters
or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home you get to clean your space and everyone
else's space, too, and what the heck is free time
again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.

At home you have to physically hold the bathroom
door shut in order to keep from having someone
standing over you demanding to know how long till
you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your
dirty clothes.

At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus
everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's
favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects
for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home you have to lug around everybody else's
stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it
and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children
or spouses asking you to do something else for them,
or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

THINGS YOU HAVE TO KNOW

1.A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

2.The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the
shutte on backwards.

3.The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The
following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced,
thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after
falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

4.The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which
are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

5.The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

6.Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order,
as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

7.Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian
coat of arms for that reason.

8.Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about
ten.

9.The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah
Mat,"which means "the king is dead".

10.Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

11.Camel's milk does not curdle.

12.In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

13.An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

14.Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean
elephants.

15.The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

16.Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

17.All porcupines float in water.

18.Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

19.Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator
while
he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

20.Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

21.If you take a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town
hall, you are entitled to receive $10.00 from the town.

22.The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled
on
the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

23.Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

24.The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)

25.Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag
at the same height as the U.S. flag.

26.The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in
an
"A" is Afghanistan.

27.When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.

28.The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

"Did you know?"

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served first class - $40,000.

City with most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.

State with highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska.

% of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
% of America that is wilderness: 38%

A duck's quack does not echo and no one knows why.

Cost of raising a medium size dog to age of 11 : $6400.

# of people airborne over US at any time : 61,000.

% of American's who have visited DisneyLand/World: 70%.

Intelligent people have more copper and zinc in their hair.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other country.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses
every

Letter in the alphabet and was developed by Western Union to test
telex/twx communications.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not
re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set
has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter
is uncopyrightable.

Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie."
(Hence the name of the Don McLean song.)

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts
Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without
killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression
"to
get fired."

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He
spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be
dubbed
over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia
still
had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for black
and whites.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies,you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able
to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever
won
a Superbowl.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day
after the
Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25
miles
per year.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of
their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of
vodka.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's
nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of
the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that your are more likely to be killed by a champagne
cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right Handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left
handed people.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank
#1

for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human
jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves
to
death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Starfish haven't got brains.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars
with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would
cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run
on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.