banjalukaforum.com

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I
ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit
I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is
no more peanut butter."

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

amoeba

_
|
./ |

amoeba vaulting a high fence


!

amoeba with a bakers hat


,

amoeba with a broken leg


*.

amoeba with a flashlight


@.

amoeba with a French Horn


(.)

amoeba wearing antlers


.-

amoeba with a rifle


?

amoeba with an umbrella


.}

amoeba with a bow and arrow

_._

amoeba with flat feet


.
o=o

amoeba skateboarding


..

amoebas having a conversation


:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::

amoebas in a parade


:
:

amoeba balancing act


%

amoebas on a see-saw


.?

confused amoeba


.!

shocked amoeba


o

bodybuilding amoeba


O

bodybuilding amoeba on steroids


.

amoeba disguised as a full stop

.

amoeba hiding behind a full stop

.

full stop disguised as an amoeba


.<

amoeba with a megaphone


o
.|

amoeba waiting for the bus

_____
| . |

amoeba goalkeeper


o.o

amoeba with glasses

_

squashed amoeba


.h

amoeba hiding behind a chair


|

Stretched amoeba


-.-
-------------------

amoeba on the high wire


o
o o
.

amoeba juggling


.#

amoeba hiding behind a haystack


&.

amoeba with a party blower


.........

amoebas in a queue


./

amoeba with chopsticks


"."

amoeba with large eyebrows


.~

amoeba with wig blowing away in the wind


^.^

amoeba vampire bat


.(

amoeba with a satellite dish


/
. []

amoeba watching TV


.

amoeba with a boomerang


.-.

two amoebas carrying a log


.|

amoeba tossing the caber


.-8

clockwork amoeba


e.

speaking amoeba


*

amoeba octopus


.z

sleeping amoeba


*.*

amoeba with pom-poms


.A

amoeba with window cleaning ladder


! ! ! !
! ! !
! !
!




.o

amoeba ten pin bowling


_
.

amoeba with hat


--

chinese amoeba


[.]

boxed amoeba


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~.~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amoeba swimming


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amoeba syncro swimming


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amoeba drowning


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where are you, sick = đe si, bolan
Boys from the end = Momci iz kraja
Dark job = Taman posla
Meat Community = Mesna Zajednica
Waist union = Strukovni savez
They put him foxes = Stavili su mu lisice
Cabbaged book = Raskupusana knjiga
I axed myself very much = Mnogo sam se sekirao
I am working with a full dime = Radim punom parom
I am talking alone with the room = Pričam sam sa sobom
Calculate on me = Računaj na mene
Waiting All Right for Bread = čekanje u redu za kruh
Edge and Police Van = Ivica i Marica
Who Washes, Him Two = Ko umije, njemu dvije
Don't lay devil = Ne lezi vraže
Come to me go to me = Idi mi, dođi mi
Fag Bag = Pederuša (torbica)
What has? = Šta ima?
More how much tomorrow = Još koliko sutra
Of dear will = Drage volje
Who plums you = Tko te šljivi
Who cuts your hair = Tko te šiša
Why yes no = Zašto da ne
Selfruling structures = Samoupravne strukture
Carry yourself = Nosi se
What a damage = Kakva šteta
Subquestion = Potpitanje
Lubricated behavior = Ljigavo ponaanje
He has a loop = Ima petlju
Since remember century = Od pamtivijeka
Without behind intention = Bez zadnje namjere
He beat him on dead name = Prebio ga na mrtvo ime
Which is your devil = Koji ti je đavo?
Middle sad = Srednje žalosno
Erase yourself = Obriši se
Liquid questions = Tekuća pitanja
Yes, little duck = Dapače
To take healthy for over = Uzeti zdravo za gotovo
From (since) the little legs = Od malih nogu
Would you translate me on the other page in face? =
Da li biste me preveli na drugu stranu ulice?
Two bad - Milosh dead = Dva loša ubiše Miloša
A little bit tomorrow = Malo sutra
Small before = Maloprije
Watch out so it shouldn't be = Paz' da ne bi
Oh not mine = Ma nemoj
Go escape = Idi bježi
God you pie = Bog te pita
To lead the bill = Voditi računa
Only killer = Samoubojica
How where = Kako gdje
How when = Kako kad
How yes no = Kako da ne
I am on five (on five alone) = Napet sam
I am all on five = Sav sam napet
He knows knowledge = Zna znanje
Drowning socialism = Utopistički socijalizam
Thank you for the question = Hvala na pitanju
Let's play tickets = Ajmo igrati karte
Do you like revolving plays = Volite li okretne igre
Collective handleadership = Kolektivno rukovodstvo
Handleading composition = Rukovodeći sastav
Building with following objects = Zgrada sa pratećim objektima
Framed understanding = Okvirni dogovor
He is a big animal = On je velika zvijerka
Two eggs on eye = Dva jaja na oko
If I only had little more weather =
Kad bih imao samo malo više vremena
I divide your opinion = Dijelim vaše mišljenje
She is in second stage = Ona je u drugom stanju
On the face of the place = Na licu mesta
Peoples and peoplesnalities = Narodi i narodnosti
He is bright full stop = On je svijetla točka
He looped himself with her = Spetljao se s njom
He always loops something = Uvijek nešto petlja
I wish to elephant myself on you = želim se nasloniti na tebe
He lives on high leg = živi na visokoj nozi
Second straightened out treason = Drugo ispravljeno izdanje
He salts his brain = Soli mu pamet
He blacksmiths her in stars = On je kuje u zvijezde
What is falling on your brain = šta ti pada na pamet
We were shooting from laughter = Pucali smo od smijeha
Let him carry himself = Nek se nosi
Who sandpapers his ears = Tko mu šmirgla uši
Spitted father = Pljunuti otac
For every picture and occasion = Za svaku sliku i priliku
Earth Court = Zemaljski sud
Subroof = Potkrovlje
He attacked him on dogs' wagon = Napao ga na pasja kola
She rotated his brain = Zavrtjela mu je mozak
Brakeworry = Razbibriga
He's catching fog = Hvata maglu
He is not worth a pissing bean = Ne vrijedi ni pišljiva boba
Beat your worry on the joy = Udri brigu na veselje
He doesn't have hair on his language = Nema dlake na jeziku
To whom you this = Kome ti to
Give up the blind business = Mani se ćorava posla
Bake it then say it = Ispeci pa reci
He laughs into his moustache = Smije mu se u brk
He is drunk as a mother = Pijan je k'o majka
To return pleasure for dear = Vratiti milo za drago
Plaughed citizen = Uzoran građanin
He is big stamp = On je velika marka
Apples in nightgown = Jabuke u šlafroku
Stuffed calf handkerchief = Sarma u telećoj maramici
Out of clean peace = Iz čista mira
Let's eat something from the leg = Da pojedemo nešto s nogu
Photo-whodrinks = Foto-kopije
The In-fall of Little Mice = Upala mišića
Hello for ready = Zdravo za gotovo
Blind Hose = Slijepo crijevo
Whochicken = Kopile
On-elephant = Naslon
It doesn't dog = Ne pase
I old about him = Ja se staram o njemu
Red on railways = Crveno na pruge
Are railway = Supruga
Treasure to you = Blago tebi
Fade, see, joke = Veni, vidi, vic(i)
I have to fish the floor = Moram oribati pod
Holy shit = Sveta Stolica
He took a paining = Uzeo je bolovanje
Look at him receiving himself = Vidi ga kako se prima
Lightbulb throat = Sijalično grlo
Priest singer = Pop-pjevač
The river blued the ground = Rijeka je poplavila zemlju
Everything is up and up = Sve je gore i gore
Eyes colors long = Oči boje duge
Roof on hair chair = Krov na kosu stolicu
Directed cheeking = Usmjereno obrazovanje
It is very with-even = Vrlo je sparno
Court slow = Sudski spor
To withgovern = Savladati
I am onshouted on everything = Na sve sam navikao
Shitting through a dense bush = Sranje kroz gusto granje
He screwed a hedgehog = Jebo je ježa
Go into three beautiful = Idi u tri lijepe
I'll screw your sun = Jebat ću ti sunce
Let the dog catcher screw you = Jebo te šinter
To jingle someone's balls = Titrati nekome jaja
To overcunt = Popizditi
Windfucker = Jebivjetar
In is = U, je!
Onfuck = Najebati
Forfuck = Zajebati
Withfuck = Sjebati
Offuck = Odjebati
Underfuck = Podjebavati
Forescratch = Zagreb
Sarah Is An Ox = Sarajevo
Wolfcook = Vukovar
Little Bad City = Mali Lošinj
Naked Swell = Goli Otok
No Cat = Njemačka
And That Fox = Italija
Mt. He-was-Like-an-Ox = Biokovo
No Yes Stolen = Neda Ukraden
Yes To Little Cannon = Dado Topić
Freeman Gentlefuck = Slobodan Milosevic
But I And Brother-In-Law Escape = Alija Izetbegović
Peace I on = Mirjana
Peacewho = Mirko
Kissopeace = Ljubomir
Andout = Ivan
Earlywho = Ranko
Mroftalp Noitcurtsnoc = Aleksandar (okreni naopačke)
Apartmentwho (Flatwho) = Stanko
Colorado = Bojan
Everything that is lost can be thrown up = Sve to je izgubljeno može se
povratiti
I would like to tie myself over to the discussion =Htio bih se nadovezati
na diskusiju

+ Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit
happens, so flow with it.
+ Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it
happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower
and buy our shit.
+ Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious
says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
+ Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit
happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will
happen again to you next time. Only he who totally gives up
the desire for shit will have salvation.
+ Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
+ 7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.
+ Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is
not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS
you.
+ Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
+ Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
+ Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.
+ Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's
OK.
+ Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to
Lutherans.
+ Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born
shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
+ Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you
deserve it, but we love you anyway.
+ Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit
always happen just before closing the deal?
+ Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
+ Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit
happens, take a hostage. We don't take any shit.
+ Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!
+ New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not
happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's
chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor it
and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
+ Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The
Goddess makes shit happen.
+ Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There
is only a limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit
Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens
door to door. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
+ Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
+ Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
+ Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ...
and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He
rested.
+ Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a
doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my
eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit
happens in your mind.
+ Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Shit doesn't happen. Shit
is dead. No shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm
damned if I'm going to taste it.
+ Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt,
seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
+ Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't
tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. What is
this shit?! I don't know shit! How can we KNOW if shit
happens? You can't prove any of this shit!
+ Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good
shit, mon.
+ Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens. (you
can't say 'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening
over here! Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens
again & again & again ...
+ Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
+ Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished
for it. We'll wash the shit right off you.
+ Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
+ Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!
+ Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on
you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna
get you!
+ Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this
shit stop happening...
+ Unitarianism: What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit
to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. It's not the
shit that matters. It's the process.
+ Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
+ Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.
+ EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. You're
responsible for all the shit that happens.
+ Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Shit happens,
but don't publish it.
+ Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
+ Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is
worthless.
+ Native Americans: Shit is sacred when it happens.
+ Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
+ Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
+ Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.
+ Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Christianity
stole half its shit from us.
+ Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
+ Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
+ Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
+ Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
+ Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
+ Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will
make your shit happen.
+ Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!
+ Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us,
bad shit will happen to you.
+ Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
+ Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.
+ Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.
+ Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.
+ Branch Davidianism: May shit happen to the FBI! If shit
happens, have a BIG barbecue... David thinks he's hot shit.
+ Divorcism: She's full of shit! He's fooling around with some
worthless piece of shit. ... but Judge, you can't give her
all that shit!
+ Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October
23rd 4004 B.C.
+ Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's
beautiful.
+ Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?
+ Spam: Spam happens.
+ SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a
way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
+ Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Other Shit

+ Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
+ An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. You may only
shit during coffee breaks.
+ An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
+ Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.
+ Political Correctness: Heavily processed
nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.
+ Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how
much.
+ Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined
quantities.

Famous Shit

+ Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe. Shit
is Relative.
+ Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit.
+ Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
+ Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
+ Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know
anything about it.
+ Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just
taking a nap.
+ Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?
+ Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried this shit before
and I didn't like it so....
+ Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit
at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker
handle it. This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle
it. This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle
it.
+ Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?
+ Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at
least I'm still in power.
+ Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of
shit.
+ McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
+ Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I have a shit...
+ Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
+ Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but
what your shit can do for your country.
+ John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.
+ James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit
before!
+ Shirley MacClaine: Haven't I seen this shit before...
+ Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap
for mankind.
+ Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

Computer Shit

+ Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this
shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
+ UNIX: Shit dumped.
+ VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit.
+ Macintosh: (Enough said)
+ IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible.
+ Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...
+ Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they
wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...
+ C: It's shit, but it's efficient.
+ Fortran: It's shit, but I don't know any better.
+ Cobol: It's shit, but it's job security.
+ BASIC: It's shit.

Shitisms

+ Communism: It's everybody's shit.
+ Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down
all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit.
+ Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.
+ Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna
sell that shit, at least make a profit.
+ Americanism: Who gives a shit?
+ Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
+ Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.
+ Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
+ Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
+ Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening
is absurd.
+ Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
+ Denialism: What shit?
+ Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
+ Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
+ Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
+ Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
+ Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
+ Surrealism: Fish.
+ Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
+ Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
+ Masochism: Do shit to ME.
+ Sadism: I will shit on you!
+ Dyslexia: Tihs happens.

Philosophical Shit

+ Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
+ Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
+ Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
+ Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
+ Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float? Give me a
place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
+ Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit,
therefore I am.
+ Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all
possible shit in this world made for shit.
+ Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the
shit out of life.
+ Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?
+ Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.

Occupational Shit

+ Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
+ Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen.
Maybe.
+ Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
+ Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit
DID happen.
+ Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
+ Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll
happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Damn this shit
smells...
+ Biologist: Is this shit alive?
+ Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
+ Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really
understand this shit.
+ Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen
until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with
our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
+ CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh,
SHIT!
+ Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
+ Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's
definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...
+ Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Let all
that shit go. This will really get the energy shit moving.
+ Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
+ Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens
is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious
shittiness.
+ Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
+ Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
+ Historian: The same shit happens again and again.
+ Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect
me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for
the economy. My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
+ Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
+ Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?
+ Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
+ Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
+ Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For
non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
+ Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.
+ IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on
their tax forms.
+ Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
+ Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
+ Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
+ NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
+ Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.
+ Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.
+ Musician: This shit is out of tune.
+ Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Shit, I wish I
thought of that. Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art,
it's shit.
+ Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share. Ode to a Grecian
Shit. My love is like a red, red shit. ... and miles to go
before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...
+ Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have
maintainance programmers.

Animal Happens

+ Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit. I did not chew the shit
out of your bedroom slippers. When I catch a car, it will
shit! Oh shit, I caught it!
+ Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan? Let me sleep,
you pathetic shit. Dogs are shit. I do not do unelegant
things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is
the dog's.
+ Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit. Always the same dried
shit for dinner?
+ Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

3 guys and a lady, were sitting at the bar and talking about their professions...

The first guy says,"I'm a YUPPIE.. .you know.. .Young, Urban, Professional".
The second guy says,"I'm a DINK....you know.. .Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says,"I'm a RUB. ... you know. ..Rich,Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her,"What are you?"
She replies..."I'm WIFE...you know......Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Answering machine


You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...

What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally
manipulated fart.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL
hang up on you if leave a boring message.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five
answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor
to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong..
Grong gronggronggrongBEEP

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances
have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to
me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
sounding.

Thank you for calling 434-2323. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
system.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines
are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
will get back to you as soon as possible.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.

Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any
messages you leave will be deleted

MATH LESSON

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you
as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that
by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your
Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that
read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate
the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't
wait up."

[citati s talijanskim naglaskom]

One day Ima go to New York to a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss
toast. She branga me only wona piss. I tella her I wanna two piss, she
say go to the toilet, I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my
plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma Bitch!

I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.

Later, I go to eat some lunch at Emma's Restaurant, the waitress
bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock.
She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table. You
sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna Ma
Bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I
calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the
toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say
you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna Ma Bitch. I don't even know
the man ana he call me sonna Ma Bitch. I go to check out and the man
at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna
Ma Bitch. Ima gonna back to Italy!!

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate
having sex.

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"

49. "That would work better the other way around.."

48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"

47. "Damn, that's complicated."

46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."

45. "Alright already, _I_came."

44. "You guys need a value pak."

43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good
show, old bean."

42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."

40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote.
Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.

38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,
assume the position."

35. "Bring in the Gimp."

34. "Hold that pose."

33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with
joy.

32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

31. Sing "Shake your bootie."

30. "A little to the left."

29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see
me?"

28. "Is there room for two in there?"

27. "Two words: penis extension."

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6.9.

22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.

21. "Maybe it would help if you.."

20. "That's what you call erect?"

19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard.."

18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"

16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."

14. "May I cut in?"

13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."

12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain
that you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your weaner before you
bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."

8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."

7. "Let's make a sandwich."

6. "Is that hard enough for you?"

5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"

4. "I think you dropped something."

3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"

2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would
pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"

1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie
Pop??"